Pens' Journals

to all the loosers out there

shit happens and my pissed off so deal with it....

happy fucken 2007

Shit its been a while. I doubt there are people who really give a fuck where i've been but for those who do last year was a mother of a year so i decided to take time out from any form of communication and its been great. This year is all bout "this bitch". Fuck being nice to every tom dick and helen. If i dont luck you tough luck-shit happen.

expectations....

How do you put a lion amoungst sheep and expect it to behave?

piece of action-nothin more...

How hard can it be to just get laid without some idiot turnin psycho on ur ass. On sat we had our annual Varsity picnic, this really cute guy i wanna shag was there. He offered a kiss and i declined. Dont get me wrong, normally i wont have given it a second thought but he was really drunk and i couldnt do that to that poor boy. I see him today- there i am hopin to get a kiss and he keeps mentionin my ex and how he cant do that to him since he thinks we will get back together.I wanna fuck you not him! SHIT, all i wanna do is get some ass, I NEED a GOOG FUCK to destress me. COME ON. I'm not askin you to marry me!

need advice on an issue...

not too sure how to start this but here in goes... i've been seein this chick for a month and a couple of days. she's really cool and i dig spending time with her-some of you would be confused cos not so long ago i broke up with my boyfriend. i love guys and i could neva have thought that i would date a girl but shit happens and i dig her and thats what's important.

the problem is that i've discovered that she is a cutter and i dont kno how to deal with that. should i ask her about it or should i wait till she decides to share this with me? Another thing, when dev and i broke up i promised that i would avoid drama in my next relationship and i have this feeling that this might give me more drama than i'm prepared to handle. please be completely honest when givin advice.

Reasons why guys like us so much...

Listening to Westlife-'I wanna grow old with u' and i realised that i'm such a die hard romantic and cant wait for my happy ending. So while i'm waiting i came up with a couple of reasons why guys like us so much.

We will always smell good even if its just shampoo.
The way our heads always finds the right spot on ur shoulder.
How cute we look when we sleep.
The ease in which we fit into ur arms.
The way we kiss u and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.
How cute we are when we eat.
The way we take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while.
Because we are always warm even when its minus 30 outside.
The way we look good no matter what we wear.
The way we fish for compliments even though we know that we are the most beautiful thing on earth.
How cute we are when we argue.
The way our hand always finds yours.
The way we smile.
The way you feel when u see our name on the call ID after we just had a fight.
The way we say "Lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later...
The way we kiss you when you do something nice for us.
The way we kiss you when you say 'I love you'.
Actually....just the way we kiss you.
The way we fall into your arms when we cry.
Then the way we aplogize for crying over something that silly.
The way we hit you and expect it to hurt.
Then the way we apologize when it does hurt.(even though you will neva admit it does)!
The way we say 'I miss you'
The way you miss us.
The way our tears make you want to change the world so that it doesnt hurt us anymore...Yet regardless if you love us, hate us, wish we would die or know that you would die without us... it matters not. Cos once in your life, whatever we were to the world we became everything to you. When you look at us in the eyes, travelling to the depths of our souls and you say a million things without a trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitably consumed within the rhythmic beating of our very heart.

You love us for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.

watch me kill someone...

I hate the fact that men let easy pussy dictate how they live their lives! if thats not the case they let pussy make decisions for them-and then they have the fucken nerve to say they cant help it. If they stopped for a nano second and used the grey matter in their stupid little heads-which we call a brain to think, woman will stop bitching. Fuck!!!! Today i watched my ex make a pass at some chick-who kept batting her eyelids as if she had something stuck in her eyes, this is a man who not so long ago send me a text msg saying:- im sorry for pushing you away, i'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for not being real to you, i'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for being depressed without you. I'm sorry Penny, with all my heart. ( those who have been reading my journals will know how important this message was to me!). Guess some people dont know what they want. And he's pulling me into his crazy confusion-the scrary part is that i'm allowing him to do that!

I swear, for that moment i could have killed him. Could someone please tell me why i still bother with him? Why i still allow him to take control of my emotions? How do you erase someone and wish that they never ever existed. I'm sitting here pissed off like crazy listening to linkin park's-In the end, its passed midnight and he's not the least worried about how i'm feeling. That's great, really great. well done pens,you should be really proud of yourself. I feel like i'm back to square one. I was doing really great, i dont know what happened! Atleast i've stopped smoking weed-its the 20th day today!

good friends...

Thanks to every single person who belongs to the buzznet family... U have no idea how my life has changed ever since i've started writting journals! I've shared all my pain and u guys never jugdes me once. I now forgive myself daily for being human and i've stopped being so hard on myself, I pay attention to everything, I take nothing for granted, I dance more often, I celebrate something everyday but most of all I try as best as i can to give back to the world what it has given me!... thank you to every single one of you.

let me explain...

One day ur boyfriend says he's not happy. if ur like most woman, if ur like me-u roll up ur sleeves and say, "I can fix this' U try2make him happy. U dont confront him in any issues-say, ur own unhappiness. U do a perfect girlfriend impersonation and piece by piece, u give away what u were....It doesnt work

Turns out that he's been cheating on me for the last couple of months. I feel like such an idiot cos i really didnt see it. Do u get so inlove with this person that u completly miss the signs? How do u forgive someone who has just ripped ur heart from ur chest? How do u cope with the fact that he's now with her and not with U? The worst part is, we all go to the same varsity. People ask me what happened-i tell them the truth. I just hate the fact that they now feel sorry for me.

Its been a week and a couple of days. I'm taking it one day at a time. There is no one i have 2make happy. There are no arguments or nights when i turn away from him in quiet despair as he snores,loneliness folding me in my arms. there is no more doubts creeping up my spine and squeezing my heart, crippling my brain, which has been sending me messages like:Get out. Stop! I dont have2try2please! Its lonely sometimes but i'll be ok. I'm slowly getting used to not having him in my life. i'm better of without him.

it was all a lie

Its finally over... we broke up after excaclty 13 months and for some weird reason this feels right. I'm really not sure how i'm supposed to feel bout it cos this time its different. Usually i'll cry about us breaking up, then we'll talk about it and after hours of 'talking bout it' we'll get back together. This time however, he asked if i wanted to talk bout it and i said no- rather i told him how my day was( turns out i really had a fantastic day cos i went to the art gallery and saw Picasso's paintings-he was supposed to take me to see then but he was far to busy wrapped up in his own world and i decided to go see them by myself )-until i got a text message from him telling me it was over and he looked at me funny cos you see, he was expecting me to cry and 'talk bout it'.

It was all a lie-him and I. I'll expalin later what that means.