pens

shit happens and my pissed off so deal with it....

Shit its been a while. I doubt there are people who really give a fuck where i've been but for those who do last year was a mother of a year so i decided to take time out from any form of communication and its been great. This year is all bout "this bitch". Fuck being nice to every tom dick and helen. If i dont luck you tough luck-shit happen. 

How do you put a lion amoungst sheep and expect it to behave?

How hard can it be to just get laid without some idiot turnin psycho on ur ass. On sat we had our annual Varsity picnic, this really cute guy i wanna shag was there. He offered a kiss and i declined. Dont get me wrong, normally i wont have given it a second thought  but he was really drunk and i couldnt do that to that poor boy. I see him today- there i am hopin to get a kiss and he keeps mentionin my ex and how he cant do that to him since he thinks we will get back together.I wanna fuck you not him!  SHIT, all i wanna do is get some ass, I NEED a GOOG FUCK to destress me. COME ON. I'm not askin you to marry me!

not too sure how to start this but here in goes... i've been seein this chick for a month and a couple of days. she's really cool and i dig spending time with her-some of you would be confused cos not so long ago i broke up with my boyfriend. i love guys and i could neva have thought that i would date a girl but shit happens and i dig her and thats what's important.

the problem is that i've discovered that she is a cutter and i dont kno how to deal with that. should i ask her about it or should i wait till she decides to share this with me? Another thing, when dev and i broke up i promised that i would avoid drama in my next relationship and i have this feeling that this might give me more drama than i'm prepared to handle. please be completely honest when givin advice.

 

Listening to Westlife-'I wanna grow old with u' and i realised that i'm such a die hard romantic and cant wait for my happy ending. So while i'm waiting i came up with a couple of reasons why guys like us so much.

• We will always smell good even if its just shampoo.
• The way our heads always finds the right spot on ur shoulder.
• How cute we look when we sleep.
• The ease in which we fit into ur arms.
• The way we kiss u and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.
• How cute we are when we eat.
• The way we take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while.
• Because we are always warm even when its minus 30 outside.
• The way we look good no matter what we wear.
• The way we fish for compliments even though we know that we are the most beautiful thing on earth.
• How cute we are when we argue.
• The way our hand always finds yours.
• The way we smile.
• The way you feel when u see our name on the call ID after we just had a fight.
• The way we say "Lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later...
• The way we kiss you when you do something nice for us.
• The way we kiss you when you say 'I love you'.
• Actually....just the way we kiss you.
• The way we fall into your arms when we cry.
• Then the way we aplogize for crying over something that silly.
• The way we hit you and expect it to hurt.
• Then the way we apologize when it does hurt.(even though you will neva admit it does)!
• The way we say 'I miss you'
• The way you miss us.
• The way our tears make you want to change the world so that it doesnt hurt us anymore...Yet regardless if you love us, hate us, wish we would die or know that you would die without us... it matters not. Cos once in your life, whatever we were to the world we became everything to you. When you look at us in the eyes, travelling to the depths of our souls and you say a million things without a trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitably consumed within the rhythmic beating of our very heart.

You love us for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.

 

I hate the fact that men let easy pussy dictate how they live their lives! if thats not the case they let pussy make decisions for them-and then they have the fucken nerve to say they cant help it. If  they stopped for a nano second and used the grey matter in their stupid little heads-which we call a brain to think, woman will stop bitching. Fuck!!!! Today i watched my ex make a pass at some chick-who kept batting her eyelids as if she had something stuck in her eyes, this is a man who not so long ago send me a text msg saying:- im sorry for pushing you away, i'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for not being real to you, i'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for being depressed without you. I'm sorry Penny, with all my heart. ( those who have been reading my journals will know how important this message was to me!). Guess some people dont know what they want. And he's pulling me into his crazy confusion-the scrary part is that i'm allowing him to do that!

I swear, for that moment i could have killed him. Could someone please tell me why i still bother with him? Why i still allow him to take control of my emotions? How do you erase someone and wish that they never ever existed. I'm sitting here pissed off like crazy listening to linkin park's-In the end, its passed midnight and he's not the least worried about how i'm feeling. That's great, really great. well done pens,you should be really proud of yourself. I feel like i'm back to square one. I was doing really great, i dont know what happened! Atleast i've stopped smoking weed-its the 20th day today!

 

Thanks to every single person who belongs to the buzznet family... U have no idea how my life has changed ever since i've started writting journals! I've shared all my pain and u guys never jugdes me once. I now forgive myself daily for being human and i've stopped being so hard on myself, I pay attention to everything, I take nothing for granted, I dance more often, I celebrate something everyday but most of all I try as best as i can to give back to the world what it has given me!... thank you to every single one of you.

One day ur boyfriend says he's not happy. if ur like most woman, if ur like me-u roll up ur sleeves and say, "I can fix this' U try2make him happy. U dont confront him in any issues-say, ur own unhappiness. U do a perfect girlfriend impersonation and piece by piece, u give away what u were....It doesnt work

Turns out that he's been cheating on me for the last couple of months. I feel like such an idiot cos i really didnt see it. Do u get so inlove with this person that u completly miss the signs? How do u forgive someone who has just ripped ur heart from ur chest? How do u cope with the fact that he's now with her and not with U? The worst part is, we all go to the same varsity. People ask me what happened-i tell them the truth. I just hate the fact that they now feel sorry for me.

Its been a week and a couple of days. I'm taking it one day at a time. There is no one i have 2make happy. There are no arguments or nights when i turn away from him in quiet despair as he snores,loneliness folding me in my arms. there is no more doubts creeping up my spine and squeezing my heart, crippling my brain, which has been sending me messages like:Get out. Stop! I dont have2try2please! Its lonely sometimes but i'll be ok. I'm slowly getting used to not having him in my life. i'm better of without him.

Its finally over... we broke up after excaclty 13 months and for some weird reason this feels right. I'm really not sure how i'm supposed to feel bout it cos this time its different. Usually i'll cry about us breaking up, then we'll talk about it and after hours of 'talking bout it' we'll get back together. This time however, he asked if i wanted to talk bout it and i said no- rather i told him how my day was( turns out i really had a fantastic day cos i went to the art gallery and saw Picasso's paintings-he was supposed to take me to see then but he was far to busy wrapped up in his own world and i decided to go see them by myself )-until i got a text message from him telling me it was over and he looked at me funny cos you see, he was expecting me to cry and 'talk bout it'.

It was all a lie-him and I. I'll expalin later what that means.

You have no idea what a bottomless pit of misery i am. Lastnight, i wasnt trying to kill myself. I just wanted2kno that if need be, if the desparation got so terribly bad, i could inflict harm on my body. I needed2kno if this would hurt the way a real broken heart could hurt.

I've had enough. I cant fake it anymore. Everything is going wrong-my hair is wrong, my face is wrong, my personality is wrong-my God, my choice of friends are wrong. How do i expose people2my person, to this bone to the world! I feel like one big mistake. Have i gotten that impossible and unpleasant? This is a nightmare! I'm slipping further and further away. I think i'm depressed and its the loneliest fucking thing on earth.

I'm lost in a loneliness that feels like foreva, like a solitude that will never go away. I feel stuck. i'm wrapped up in a person who doesnt know me@all, like a claustrophobe who chose2live in a small dark cave, trying2whip the fear. You can give me all the advice u want and it may be well intented but in the meantime i'm falling. I know it, I am... I am really and trully imbalanced,there's no xplanation4the way my head feels all the time. Constant weather patterns of all sorts-blizzards,cyclones.

Just give me a minute to put these thoughts into words-they seem to be scattered in every possible direction... Question: Have u eva done something that u thought was the most sweetest thing u could  eva do then it turns out2be the worst? I think i just did that! I wrote my first journal ever called 'Letting him go', i let my boyfriend read it-so he could tell me what he thought and he was not impressed. He seemed to think that i wanted to break up with him. which is weird cos that was the last thing on my mind. He completly lost what i meant.

Let me explain the term 'Letting him go' using 'The Kite Theory'- when ur flying a kite, eva notice that when u hold onto the strings too tightly, it will neva rise more than a few feet. And very quickly it will nosedive and hit the ground. On the other hand, if u let out the string too quickly, there wont be any pull on the rope, again inevitably it will nosedive and end up on the ground. The secret is2let the string out a little at a time, maybe we dont recognize that the major cause is usually holding the string too tight.

I've been so focused on the fact that he will be leaving at the end of the year that i stopped enjoying just being with him at this present moment.The truth is i'm afraid of letting things or people go-i hate change. But i realise that life is about change. The reason i've been in such a good mood ova the last couple of days is that i promised myself not2worry about what will happen at the end of the year-i just want2spend every possible moment i can with him.

Following my major screw up, I dont think thats even going to be possible now. You should have seen him, he was not impressed!

 

 

Basically, i finally finished reading this book-'Song of Solomon'. Bout time2cos it took me longer than it should2finishin it. As i was reading it, i finally realised what every woman should kno bout the facts of life-when it comes to men that is!

Its bout this  woman named Hagar, she is stupidly inlove with Milkman but he doesnt feel the same way bout her and she does everything she can2get his attention-she even goes to the extent of trying2kill him. Guitar who is Milkman's bestfriend gives her advice..."You think cos he doesnt love you that you are worthless. You think cos he doesnt want you anymore that he is right-that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out then you are garbage. You think he belongs2u cos u want2belong2him. Hagar, dont. Its a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when u put it with some1u love. Love shouldnt be like that. Did u ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes u cant even see the mountain for the clouds. But u kno what? U go up top and what do u see? His head. The clouds neva cover the head. His head pokes thru, cos the clouds let him; they dont wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing2hide him or bind him. He further mentions that You cant own a human being. You cant lose what u dont own. Suppose u did own him. Could u really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without u? You really want some1like that? Somebody who falls apart when u walk out the door? U dont, do u? And neither does he. You're turning ova your whole life2him.  your whole life. And if it means so little2u that u can just give it away, hand it2him, then why should it mean anymore2him? He cant value u more than u value yourself "

How powerful is that? Now if this doesnt make you change a couple of things in your life, then i really dont kno..

 

We've been going out for a year and 19 days-it hasnt always been smooth sailing.The day before our 9th month annivesary we broke up(he broke up with me,saying some bullshit bout me not giving him attention).He explained it on a text message he sent me one evening "i ddnt mean 2hurt  u. i felt shut out of important things in ur life. i'm not good@bein sidelined. I felt like u gave ur best 2every1 but me. i'm sorry." he's such a typical scorpio of course he would blame someone else for his mistakes. And i,  a typical Leo saw the romantic side of this-i fell for it. Yes, i took him back, it was a long 7months, i spent every possible minute thinking bout him....

its not always perfect, sometimes i'm excited-cos we just finised making love and i'm falling inlove with him all ova again, i'm upset-cos he said something stupid and he neva apologised, i'm hurt-cos he's doin this to me, i'm nervous-he might feel sidelined and  end our relationship, i'm sad-cos he's leaving at the end of this year and i will neva see him again. I'm happy-cos he's the first guy i fell inlove with.I'm angry-cos he doesnt really realise how sad i have been in the last couple of days.

he wants to leave more than anything in the world-thats all he eva talks about. I've already started looking at the things i'll miss most about him...the way he says he loves me, or the way  makes those cute rings as he smokes, or the ways he loves listening to his music and seem to find a temporary exit in this world, or the way he tells me a story bout his time at  high school or the way he kisses me or makes love to me. Most of all i'll miss just waking up next to him and having him kiss me on the forehead and then moving to my lips and saying goodmornin babe...

i love him with all my heart, his my varsity sweet heart. He has shaped most of my varsity memories. however, i think its time to let him go... funny thing is, we broke up on monday (again)-but i couldnt let it end. I walked to his place to talk to him bout ending things. he took me back. we both dont  seem to want to let each other go. this place will not be the same when he leaves at the end of the year. i cant decide...or rather i dont want to decide.